Final Mom Update

Pain, grief, anguish, relief

On the morning of October 22nd, 2007 life was going on as usual. I was at work, talking with co-workers, greeting my students, and getting ready for a fun filled day of first grade learning. Children were going about their morning routine while I was checking their folders, when my phone rang. An eerie intuitiveness came over me and I just knew. I franticly, anxiously went through my things to find my cell phone. I did not reach it in time. I saw the caller id: Mother. I called my step-dad, Lonny, back right away. When he answered he simply said “Your mother passed away at 8:15.” That was it. This was the call that I had been anticipating and dreading for 6 months. While the world was going on as usual, my mother was fighting for her last breath. Just a few minutes earlier my sister had a chance to tell her good bye and after Lonny put her on the bus, he came back to the house to find my mother struggling more than usual. She told him it was getting difficult to breathe. At first he did not know what was going on, but he soon understood the intensity of the moment. He lay in bed with her and held her. He told her that he loved her. She tried to reply, but all she could say was “I….I….I...” and then stopped breathing. Her heart stopped beating. The fight was over. Lonny then wrapped her in her favorite quilt that eventually would hang over her casket. When her body was taken from the house, their two dogs instinctively, protectively, loyally walked one on each side of her to the hearse. Later that afternoon Lonny picked up my sister, Nicole, from school. Lonny, Mr. Alcorn (her teacher) and Jennifer (the hospice social worker) sat her down to convey to her the devastating news. She was initially upset but seemed to handle it the best way she knew how. When I called her later that evening she told me “My mom died. She’s in heaven now.” I don’t exactly remember what I did, said or thought that day. I know my boss wisely, compassionately sent me home. A friend came to stay with me. I drove to Florida the next day to be with my family. The rest of the week was filled with preparing for the service. Neither Lonny nor I ever had to handle funeral arrangements before….Talking to the minister, handling the order of the service, choosing songs and bible verses, picking out what my mom would wear (even though it was a closed casket), choosing the right urn, choosing the casket she will be cremated in, writing an obituary…all things that one would not be contemplating on an ordinary day. There was so much to think about, so many questions. I felt so vulnerable. The service was Saturday, October 27th, at 2:00pm. Lonny had determined to use the hospice minister to conduct the service, as there were so many others who wanted to officiate the funeral. The service was succinct but respectable as it was intended. At the end of the service the minister directed the family to leave first. I had not noticed until that moment that the modest chapel was filled to its capacity, with standing room only. As I stood up and turned around, through tears in my eyes it was only then I realized what my mom’s life meant to so many other people, how many lives she had touched. I cannot begin to tell you all the acts of kindness my family and I have received since her diagnosis to her death. I do not know how to begin to repay people for their benevolence. But I do know this: My mom, Marcia Tucker, was a content, selfless, determined, creative, talented woman who will always remain in the hearts of her family and friends.

Thank you for all your prayers and support through this agonizing journey.

Update on Mom 6

Ελπίδα, надежда, надявам се, hoop, espérer, espérance, espoir, Hoffe, hoffen, Hoffnung, Zuflucht, sperare, esperanza, hope

Webster defines hope as “to cherish a desire with anticipation; expect with confidence.”
Are we mistaken to have the hope, the expectation, the anticipation to live with confidence? Who deserves to live with assurance? Don’t we all? Is life so impossible that we cannot hope for tomorrow? For next month? For next year? When faced with uncertainty or adversity do we still have the privilege to hope? They say that sometimes, the dying, cling to life and defy odds simply by the power of thinking. Can this be true? Think about it. Hope implies a particular amount of believing that a positive result is possible even when there is indication to the contrary. Can hope prolong life?

I receive my church prayer chain via e-mail, and it seems like lately, those that I have been praying for, for months were defying those odds, have now lost their fight for life. Did hope sustain them when they were alive? I really thought my mom would be dead by now. The doctors were not so sure she would make it through the summer. Yet, here it is, 5 months later. Today is her 16th anniversary. Can she hope for 16 more? She told my step dad that she would settle for 4 more. Is that a realistic hope? My mother received a small ray of hope from the doctor this week. Her hemoglobin (red cell) counts were higher than projected and she was offered chemo as a choice of cancer management once again. Should she attempt the unscrupulous suffering of treatments again? Or should she try a non fda approved, all natural, herbal remedy? She is not ready to stop fighting. Right now, she sleeps more than she is awake and has little to no energy. She has to do something. But what? Hope. So many questions go unanswered. But I can tell you that I believe that hope is what is keeping my mother alive.

Update on Mom 4

My mother is back in the hospital. Her hemoglobin levels were real low so they admitted her to Highlands Regional (closer to her home than Tampa) in Sebring. They said she was very dehydrated, to the point where the doctor was concerned about her Kidneys. She is now all hooked up through her port so she isn't being poked and prodded so much. Even though she is hospitalized she is feeling a lot better. She even ate soup for dinner. Lonny accepted Jesus as his savior yesterday and is very excited about his new found faith. They have already had a stream of visitors today. Her spirits are up.

Update on Mom 3

Devastation, uncertainty, incomprehension, incredulousness, bewilderment....

My mom had port surgically implanted in her shoulder on Friday afternoon. It was late, so, the doctors kept her one more night. We took off in the EZ rental mini-van to Lorida Florida Saturday morning. When we got there – we experienced an awesome act of kindness. Some of my step-dads friends had come in to their house, disabled their waterbed (my mom just can't climb in and out of it anymore) and brought in a twin bed for Lonny and a hospital bed for my mother. They also hired a cleaning crew and sanitized and cleaned (my mom hadn't cleaned the house in 3 months) the whole house from top to bottom, included washing sheets, blankets and towels. They even swept the porch and mowed the lawn, and to top it all off, stocked the freezer, refrigerator and cabinets with food, and brought in flowers for a finishing touch! How cool was that? Mom got right into her new bed and pretty much stayed there the rest of the weekend. Lonny had her up walking around the house yesterday and today. She isn't eating anything, can't keep much down. She eats ice, some juice and just this morning had some Jell-o. She sleeps a lot. She still has a positive attitude and her spirits are up. She feels and is comforted by all your prayers. My step-dad Lonny is devastated. A mess; A wreck; He is losing his soul mate. He is also overwhelmed with the caring of the medical needs of my mother, taking care of his business and the thought of being a single parent to a special needs child. He is not a Christian and doesn't have anywhere to get his strength from. Grams’ is heartbroken too. She lost her husband, her oldest son has dementia, and now her daughter is dying of cancer. Nicole doesn't really understand what is going on. She knows her mom is sick but doesn't understand why she is not getting better. Every day Nicole asks my mom "are you better, mommy?" she just doesn't get it. Me? Well, I am doing ok. I just got back home to Georgia but I have received some really cool acts of prayerfulness this week. God has been speaking to me through people at the right place at the right times. I have had an astounding amount of strength that could only have come from God.....Please continue to pray for my mom and my family as this is an arduous time for all.

Update on Mom 2

As the surgeon walked away my step dad and I were each left alone in our thoughts. A strange stillness encircled us in the mist of the chatter of the busy waiting room. Time stood still. We both looked at each other, holding back emotion. I sat there next to the man I loathed 3 months ago; the man that has never truly accepted me as part of his family. The man that has stood between my mother and me for the past 15 years was now including me in a life and death decision. I think he was looking for reassurance that he himself had not made a mistake. The day was long and taxing on our nerves…While we sat, while we paced, while we waited all I could do was pray. It has been one of those times in life that I can already look back and see one set of foot prints in the sand. I felt an inexplicable strength come from within me while I was making the phone calls to family and friends. It took all that was within me to not break. One of things I dreaded the most was telling my grandmother, my mother's mother, that her daughter could not be cured. But God already went ahead of me and my grandmother already knew, by one look at my face, that it was too late. She took it as well as expected. She is upset and her heart aches for her daughter. My mother stayed in recovery for too many hours. After I went back to the hotel to get my grandmother and sister, Lonny was still in the hall (we had already abandoned the noisy waiting room for a small, quiet in-cove down the hallway). I called into the recovery room and she was awake and waiting for a room to open up. She's awake I asked? Yes. I wondered why in the heck they hadn't come to get her husband. Maybe she just woke up, even though it was 5 hours later. Lonny's friend, Frank, was in the area and was at the hospital when I had come back. He was very calm and supportive. I was glad he was there for Lonny. By this time it was getting dark and my head was throbbing. Finally, around 7:45pm they let us back to see my mother. She looked worse than ever but as I looked around the room I realized that anesthesia is not flattering on anyone. It wasn't till around 9pm, and after I was being kicked out of the hall for not having a visitor’s pass, that my mother was transported to a room. When she got settled all she wanted to do was enjoy the stillness of her private room. The recovery room had been hectic and chaotic, she was glad to be anywhere but there. I left the hospital around 10pm and was back at 6am. The surgeon came in and explained to my mother why he could not do the surgery. She laid there with a bewildered look on her face. I was so drained I could say nothing. My mother approved of any kind of treatment or procedure that needed to be done. She asked and the doctor answered that this could not be cured; yet she agreed, without question, to put a port in her chest to do chemotherapy treatments. I still do not think she fully comprehends the reality of it all. She thinks she can beat this. God help us, if she can. By observing my mom think and react, I don't imagine that my mom is at all ready to die.

Update on Mom 1

Its ironic how when your world stops the rest of the world keeps on going and you are left standing in the vastness of the truth.....the numbness that can suddenly take over your entire body and the fact that you cannot wrap your mind around what you just heard......The surgeon came out after about an hour and said that the cancer is everywhere, all over her body. There is really nothing he can do to save her. If he keeps on going, he runs a much higher risk and she may never leave this hospital. If he stops and closes her back up, she would be able to go home to die. Lonny and I decided that she would much rather be at home, and elected to stop the surgery. We are both torn, hoping we made the right decision. We are going to go meet the surgeon back here at 6am, and he is going to tell mom then. He doesn't want to tell her much of anything while she is still under anesthesia. Please continue to pray for her and that she is comfortable and at peace. Family - we haven't told grams yet. Please pray for her and how she will take the news, as she has been in denial for so long, she will have to face the reality of the situation. Feel free to call if you have any questions and I or Lonny can answer them as best as we can. We will also be making phone calls later.